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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.