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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.