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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"