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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness