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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?