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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point