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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.