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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.