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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.