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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.