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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.