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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat