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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.