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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.