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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"