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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.