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I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.