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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?