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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.