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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.