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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.