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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
when in Rome get naked ;)
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?