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The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`