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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...