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I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....