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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.