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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be