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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...