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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!