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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.