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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.