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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.