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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
At least a stalker is there for you.