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There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.