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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.