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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.