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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...