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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.