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Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.