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I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English ā dogs
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iām thinking about getting her a treadmill.