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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?