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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
take me drunk i`m home
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.