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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?