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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.