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The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.