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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"