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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.