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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.