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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.