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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.