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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.