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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.