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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.