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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.