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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.