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Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.