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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?