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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.