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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
How Big is Infinity?
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".