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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.