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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll