Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.