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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
More food should come with prizes inside it.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.